This Blog just became a weird place.
A random person with a personality disorder caused by an existential crisis writes down his sick thoughts,
…and his followership, who have mysterious, unexplainable reasons to read what is in his mind, read his mind.
This mind mostly consists of the irrational quintessential phrase:
“ I am sorry, I’ve got no time to write!“ -> writes anyways…
Ironically, this allows me to not take this seriously, so I spend most of my time with things that challenge me, but are not my duty. So it keeps the blog running, consistently, rather then seducing me to take a break from my writing-down-my-thoughts-addiction.
People seem to excell more easily in things they „play“ with, instead of taking them drop-dead serious. At the same time, survival brings out all your deepest strength, so see survival as a motivator and nihilism as a fear-killer, since you don’t have any responsibility, no meaning to live on. At the same time, you need to survive because you want to, if you feel it or not. That you exist, is prove of this. Otherwise the sperm that made you wouldn’t have won the race, so in some kind, you, or at least some part of you (probably the most true part of you), chose to exist.
That is why winning is the meaning in life. For people who don’t like competition but prefer cooperation: Winning also means winning friendships, winning people over, convincing them to work together and winning means, having no regrets, having won time to win good memories.
So if you force me to do things for my own good, I will not do them.
But if you ask me a simple favor that e.g. require 5+ hours of hard, consistent work, that you don’t force on me, leave the choice to do it completely at me, I’d be spending all of my effort just to make it as good as it can existentially be.
(As long as I like you. If I don’t like you, you’re in trouble.)
So yeah. My parents were confused. I’d never focus on school, but I study wikipedia-articles in my free-time. Didn’t do anything but play when they told me to do the dishes, but I started learning/practicing to cook (also for them) in my free-time.
I am sorry. It is just, what I am.
If you would now excuse myself…